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by Susan Anne Santo
 Rating: G

Did you know that Ken and Barbie went to the Real World even before the movie took place? No? Well, they did. This is their story. This has no connection to the story “Ken versus Ryan.”

Barbie drove her little pink car into Los Angeles. Ken was in the back seat. She stopped and parked by a curb in a tree-lined neighborhood. They had decided to have an adventure and take a stroll in the Real World in the early evening. It was still light outside. Ken was wearing a gold jacket, tan shirt, and brown pants. He thought he looked pretty good. Barbie was wearing a pretty lavender dress. They began walking down the sidewalk and soon came to a park. Barbie went toward a bench under a shady tree. “I’m going to sit here for awhile and watch the people walk by.”
“What should I do? I’m bored,” Ken complained.
“Continue on your walk without me.”
“Where should I go?”
“Wherever you like. I don’t care,” Barbie said.
So Ken walked off. After awhile the sun began to set and it started to get dark. Ken realized that he was lost. All around him were high-rise office buildings. He swallowed, anxious. Finally, he made a decision and walked into one of the buildings. A man grabbed hold of his arm. “Ryan, thank God you’re here. You’re late. Stephen has been asking after you.”
“I’m not Ryan,” Ken started to say.
But the man paid no attention. “Come this way to meet Stephen Colbert.”
Hijacked, Ken could do nothing but go with him. The man pushed him onto a stage. “You’re on the Late Show!”
Ken went and sat down on a chair opposite the man who must be Stephen Colbert. He had glasses on and was sitting at a desk. “Glad you could make it,” Stephen said, getting up and shaking Ken’s hand. “As you know, our talk show conversations don’t enable us to truly know a guest. So we at the Late Show have developed a scientific questionnaire that enables us to truly know a person. Are you ready to be known?”
“I guess,” Ken said. He sat down. Nervously he shifted his position a few times.
“Good. Let’s get started.”
Ryan drove his Chevy Malibu down a busy city street in the heart of Los Angeles. He was thinking about where he had to be. First he had a short appearance with Late Night talk show host Stephen Colbert who was visiting L.A. Colbert was going to give him the Colbert Questionnaire, which should be amusing. Then he had to rush to the Academy Awards ceremony, where he would perform his well-known song “I’m Just Ken.” Ryan was wearing a gold jacket, tan shirt, and brown pants. He knew he looked good. Because he was deep in thought he did not notice when a car at the intersection ran a red light. The car crashed into him. Ryan’s air bag was defective and did not inflate. Ryan’s head crashed into the windshield and he blacked out. When he woke up he was lying in a hospital bed in a hospital gown and a doctor, a man in his fifties, was shining a light into his eyes. His right hand and arm were bandaged.
“Good. You’re awake,” the doctor said.
Ryan blinked. “What happened?”
“You were in a car accident. You have a bad concussion, I’m afraid. The car caught on fire and your arm and hand were leaning against the steering wheel, which got hot. You have some burns.  Your car was towed to Blaine’s Body Shop. Can you tell us who you are?”
“I’m – ” Ryan thought for a minute. He was confused. “I don’t remember who I am. My wallet was on the seat beside me. It will have my identification.”
“Anything that was in the car was lost. What else do you remember? Do you have family? A wife?”
“I don’t know,” Ryan said.
“You’re suffering from amnesia,” the doctor said. “It’s not unusual with the severity of the concussion that you have. We did an MRI.”
Surprisingly, Ryan knew what an MRI was. He just didn’t know who he was.
“You’ll need to stay here at least overnight,” the doctor said. “Maybe by then you’ll remember who you are. In the meantime it’s important that you rest.” He patted Ryan reassuringly on his left shoulder and went out.
Barbie was wondering where Ken was. She looked anxiously around as people walked by. She asked a few but no one had seen a person matching his description. Finally she decided to walk around and try to find him. She came to a tall building with Academy Awards written on it lit up in lights. People dressed elegantly were going inside. But she was staring at the hospital across the street. Oh, no. Was it possible that Ken had been injured and taken here? She ran inside and started walking down the long halls. She looked into each room that she passed. Suddenly she came to room 103, and there was Ken, lying in bed dressed in a hospital gown. Her heart sank. “Ken!” She ran inside.
Ryan smiled at her. “Hey girl. Are you incredibly beautiful or am I dreaming?”
“Ken! What happened to you?”
“Is that my name? Am I Ken?”
“Of course you’re Ken. Why did you dye your hair? Why do you have that bandage on?”
Ryan ignored the first question. “I was in a car accident.”
“Oh my God. You were driving my car? Without me? You don’t know how to drive.”
“It was my car,” Ryan said, “and another car hit me. I have a concussion and a burned arm and hand. My head hurts.”
“Oh, my poor Ken,” Barbie moaned.
“And I have amnesia. Who are you, gorgeous?”
“I’m Barbie!” She smiled brightly. “I’m your part-time girlfriend.”
“Hey, girl. I’d take you part time any time, but I’d much rather have you full time. Are we really together?”
“Sort of,” Barbie said, wishing for the first time that they were together.
“I’m in a lot of pain. Come give me a kiss and make me feel better.”
“A kiss?” She blinked nervously.
“A kiss,” he repeated. He held out his arms.
After a moment Barbie went into them hesitantly. She was going to give him a quick peck on the lips. But he put his hand in her soft golden hair, pulled her to him, and gave her a kiss so passionate it took her breath away. His lips worked up and down on hers. His tongue probed her mouth.
She pulled back. “What was that?”
“Was it unsatisfactory?” Ryan smiled.
“WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO KISS LIKE THAT?”
“From you, sweetheart.” He smiled. “I assume we’ve done that many times before.”
“We’ve never kissed. Have you been seeing other women?”
“I don’t remember, but I can assure you there’s no one but you, girl.” His voice was soft and seductive.
“Okay then,” Barbie said. She threw her arms around him. “Kiss me again!”
In the meantime, Ken was beginning the Colbert Questionnaire.
“What is the best sandwich?” Stephen said.
“Ice cream.”
“What?”
“Ice cream sandwiches. I can’t eat them but I put them on my neck when I’m really hot and they feel good.”
“Dogs or cats?”
“Horses,” Ken said promptly.
“You like horses?”
“Absolutely. They can run like the wind, are beautiful and sleek, and have masculine energy.”
“You must really like to ride,” Stephen said.
“Are you kidding? I’d be scared to death to get on a horse.” He smiled to soften his statement.
“Apples or oranges.”
“Well, teachers like apples. Barbie likes to learn.”
“Barbie? What happened to Eva?”
“Who’s Eva?” Ken said, confused.
“Your wife.”
“You’re mistaken. I’m too young to be married. I was only created a week ago.”
Stephen looked incredulous but went on. “You’re on a desert island. You have only one song to listen to. What is it?”
“`I’m Just Ken,’ of course.”
“Great choice,” Stephen said. “I hear you’re going to sing it at the Oscars after we get finished.”
“I am?” Ken said. “That’s news to me.”
“You seem a little confused. Are you feeling all right?”
“I feel fine. Are you?”
“I feel fine too.”
“Good,” Ken said. “Let’s move on.”
“Best smell.”
“Barbie.”
“There’s that Barbie girl again. Worst smell.”
“A day without Barbie.”
“Earliest memory.” 
“Barbie telling me I’m stupid.” 
“Don’t you have any childhood memories?” 
“I didn’t have a childhood.”
“I’m sorry your past was so troubled. Worst memory.”
“Barbie telling me I’m stupid,” Ken said. 
“Best memory.”
“Barbie holding my hand after I hurt myself surfing.”
“I didn’t know you surfed.”
“The surf board didn’t know it either.”
“Ha, ha. Favorite action movie,” Stephen said. 
“What’s a movie?” Ken wondered.
Stephen stared at him. “You’re putting me on.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“It’s what you make. You’re a movie star and a heart throb to thousands.”
“You’re mistaking me for someone else,” Ken said.
“I don’t think so. A movie’s like TV only longer.” 
“Oh. DRIVE. It’s got car chases.” 
“Good choice,” Stephen said approvingly.
“And the guy looks like me.”
“He is you. Scariest animal.” 
“Cats. They look at you as if they want to pounce on you and eat you.” 
“That can be a little scary,” Stephen said. “Window or aisle?”
“I don’t understand.”
“On an airplane. Window or aisle seat.”
“I’ve never been on an airplane.”
“Then how did you get to do all your personal appearances and film your movies?”
“Barbie magic,” Ken guessed.
Stephen sighed. “What number am I thinking of?” 

“Thirty-six,” Ken said without hesitation. 
Stephen looked astonished. “That’s amazing. You’re the first person who’s ever guessed it right.” 
“I wasn’t guessing,” Ken said.

“What happens when we die?”
“So far as I know I live forever unless I get into an accident.”
“Your responses certainly are unusual,” Stephen commented. “Five words to describe the rest of your life.”
“Ask Barbie about it soon.”
Stephen held out his hand. “Congratulations, Ryan Gosling. You are known.”
Ken was confused but took his hand anyway.
“We’ve got a chauffeur waiting to take you to the Academy Awards theater. He’s just outside.”
“Swell,” Ken said, wondering what he had gotten himself into.
The chauffeur drove him to the theater. When he got out a middle-aged woman caught hold of his arm. “Mr. Gosling! I’ve got your outfit and then I have to put your make-up on.”
“Um, okay.” He took the pink suit and pink gloves from her. “Where do I put these on?”
“You can use that dressing room right over there.” He went in and put the outfit on, then came back out. It was amazing how handsome he felt in that suit. She motioned to a chair and he sat down. She was staring at him. He waited.
“Aren’t you going to say Hey girl?” she said to him finally.
“Why should I? You seem rather older than a girl anyway.”
Seeming annoyed she slapped some foundation onto his face, then dusted on some powder. She put blusher on his cheeks and a light pink lipstick on his lips. “There. You look terrific. I like the bleached hair by the way.”
“Thank you,” he said.
“You’re welcome. Go down into the audience. Make your entrance right beside Margot. And here. Wear these dark glasses. So Margot can’t see the sadness in your eyes.”
He took the glasses and put them on his face. “Margot?”
“Barbie.”
“Barbie’s here?”
“Of course. Where else would she be?”
He was mystified but accepted it. There was a ripple of excitement as he emerged into the audience. He saw Barbie looking at him. She was wearing a black evening gown and make-up and looked gorgeous. He went to stand behind her. Barbie giggled as he began to sing. “Doesn’t seem to matter what I do, I’m always number 2, no one knows how hard I’ve tried. I have feelings that I can’t explain, driving me insane.” He started toward the stage where a chorus of dancing Kens was waiting for him.
Back at the hospital a nurse came into the room. “I have to check your vitals.” She took hold of Ryan’s wrist and felt his pulse.
“Hey girl,” Ryan said, “does my pulse throb? It’s due to the wonder of you.”
“Oh you.” She giggled and took his blood pressure.
“I’m sure it’s elevated,” Ryan teased.
She smiled. 
Barbie did not look pleased.

Last the nurse took his temperature. Then she went over and turned on the television. “There. That will amuse you.” She went out.
“You were flirting with her,” Barbie said in an accusatory tone.
“I was just making conversation. Say, what is this?” He stared at the man in the pink outfit and bleached hair making his way onto the stage.
“That‘s Ken!” Barbie shouted, suddenly realizing.
“And I’m Ryan fucking Gosling!” Ryan shouted. He jumped up. “What’s that imposter doing pretending to be me? Where did they put my clothes? I have to get to the theater.” He found his clothing nearly hung in the closet and put it on. He grabbed hold of Barbie’s hand. “Come on.”
A nurse saw them leaving and protested that he had not been released but Ryan ignored her. They went outside into the theater across the street. Once inside they ran into the audience where they saw the stage. Ken was lying on his back and being carried around and around by a chorus of Kens as they sang, “Can you feel the Kenergy?”
“That’s my routine,” Ryan shouted. The chorus put Ken down. Ryan ran onto the stage and slugged Ken in the face with his injured hand. Ken was stunned. He staggered and fell. “Ouch!”
“Stop it!” Barbie said, now on the stage too.
Ken got up, holding his jaw tenderly. He held up his fists. 
Ryan was nursing his own injured hand. “Ouch!” 
Barbie got between them. “Don’t hit him,” she said to Ken. “He has a concussion!”

In a minute Margot was also on the stage. “What’s going on?” she said, confused. To Barbie, “Who are you?”
“I’m Barbie. Who are you?”
“I’m Margot.”
“You’re wearing my clothes!” Ryan shouted.
“And you’re wearing mine,” Ken said.
They began to sing together. “I’m just Ken, anywhere else I’d be a ten.” They glared at each other but as they continued they grasped each other’s hands and sang in a friendly way. They finished and the curtain came down. All four of them went into the wings and offstage.
“I need my pink suit,” Ryan said. “It’s mine.”
“I’ll get changed.” Ken went to his dressing room.
“I have to get home to Eva,” Ryan said.
“Who’s Eva?” Barbie asked.
“I think she’s my wife.”
Barbie was insanely jealous. “Kiss me again.”
Ryan put his arms around her waist and kissed her. Barbie’s hands flew around his neck. She clung to him desperately.
“Wow!” Margot said. “You’ve never kissed me.”
“Whose fault is that?” Ryan said, drawing back. “You’re the producer.”
“All my friends told me I was crazy for not demanding a kissing scene,” Margot said.
Ken came out in his regular clothes, identical to Ryan’s, and handed Ryan the pink suit and sunglasses. Ryan put on the sunglasses. “Do you think anyone will recognize me like this?”
“Of course not,” Margot said, smiling.
“I have to get home and I don’t have a car.”
“I’ll drive you,” Margot said.
Barbie gave Ryan one last hug. “I’m so glad I met you. I’m sorry you got hurt.”
“What about me?” Ken said. “I got hurt too. He hit me.”
“You’re okay, Ken. Don’t be such a baby.”
Ken sulked.
Barbie put her arm through his. “Let’s find our car and go back to Barbieland.”
“I have a feeling we’ll be seeing each other again,” Ryan said, smiling.
Barbie smiled back, invitation in her eyes.
Just wait and see!

Discussion Questions

1. What did you think was Ken’s funniest answer on the Colbert Questionnaire?

2. Why was Ryan so upset when he saw Ken taking his place performing at the Academy Awards?

3. Why does Barbie like Ryan better than Ken?

Copyright 2024 by Susan A. Santo
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